


Is it a pie if it's baked in a square pan?

by UAs_Fics



Series: Creek Week 2019 [2]
Category: South Park
Genre: Creek Week, Fluff, Imp Tweek Tweak, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 10:50:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21160463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UAs_Fics/pseuds/UAs_Fics
Summary: After receiving a mysterious stone from the church events coordinator, Wendy, Craig finds himself in for the shock of his life when he learns his boyfriend is more than human.For Creek Week 2019





	Is it a pie if it's baked in a square pan?

Craig held up the odd stone to the streetlamp. The leather cord brushed down his wrist as the light cut through the hole in the middle.

He would have never assumed Wendy to be the superstitious type — though he would have never assumed her to be the church-going type either. She gave off the air of an atheist just waiting to blurt out some 'Gotcha!' line about how something or another proved the church's beliefs wrong. 

He still wasn't entirely sure she wasn't, but even if she was, she was the best events coordinator the church had in a long time. Everything ran like a well-oiled machine with her around.

Craig turned the stone around in his hand, running his thumb along the carvings. It reminded him of the stones they'd find in ancient graves meant to guide the dead and ward off evil.

"It's a charm to see what is being hidden from you. There are things in this city you can't always see, you know," She told him as she pressed it into his palm after the church meeting. "Please, keep it with you. It'll bring you..."

"Good luck?" Craig had offered dubiously.

"It'll bring you something." Wendy then shrugged before turning away to talk to someone else about the potluck next Friday night.

Craig wrapped the cord around his wrist two more times before sticking his hand in his pocket. He'd wear it as a necklace to the potluck Friday then drop it in the repurposed candy dish in the bedroom with the other nicknacks and jewelry he had received. The stone would look a bit odd amongst bead lizards and macrame knot lanyards, but at least then he had it to pull out in his own 'Gotcha!' moment against Wendy should the need ever arise.

He took a breath, taking in the evening air.

Craig liked this city and the church. When he started to volunteer, he'd waited with a knot in his stomach. He didn't hide he was gay. Most of his profile pictures either had a rainbow filter or were of he and Tweek hanging from each other as a couple. He'd half expected the priest would decline his offer, as the priest at the church on the other side of town had done, but pleasantly the father accepted Craig with open arms.

"We need more folks like you in the church. Show the people that at this place, we welcome all kinds as long as they have faith," The father had proclaimed.

Craig didn't argue. He'd been volunteering with the youth group for nearly two years when he was allowed to take over from the retiring group leader. It had been a highlight in his life to help the kids, if not spiritually, at least help keep them out of trouble. 

Sitting around talking about what Jesus would think of first person adventure games was better than knowing some kids breaking into abandoned buildings.

Now if only Tweek would come join him in the church too, his life would be so perfect, but Tweek didn't like going to church. He'd had some bad experiences with churches and it made him too uncomfortable to even step inside the buildibg.

Craig stopped trying to push after the first argument over it. He understood that a lot of LGBTQ people had less than stellar interactions with the church or Christians in general, but his work with the youth group was important to him and he wanted to share that with the love of his life. 

At least, Tweek went to potlucks held at the park down the street from the church building. His devils food cake and other sweets made everyone gush. Craig felt nothing but pride when he told people his boyfriend baked the best dish there.

Craig increased his pace, remembering the text he'd gotten from Tweek earlier that day. Wendy's boyfriend, Stan, had given Tweek some apples when he stopped by that morning and Tweek planned on baking a pie with them.

He nearly walked right past their front door in his excitement. Taking the steps two at a time, he jiggled the doorknob. Locked, like normal. He didn't know why Tweek liked to keep it locked all the time. They didn't live in the bad part of the city. Their neighbors were all elderly people or families with young children, all people that Craig knew Tweek could fight in a pinch.

Tweek insisted it kept locked at all times regardless. It made him feel safer, so Craig stopped fighting it.

He fished out his keys, the odd stone clinked against the metal, and he unlocked the door. 

The sweet, crisp smell of apples and cinnamon filled his nose. He dropped his keys in the shallow ceramic bowl on the small table near the door before twisting the deadbolt into place.

"Hon, I'm home!" He called, shouldering off his coat.

"How was the meeting?" Tweek replied from the kitchen.

"Pretty good. Leopold says the choir will be performing at the fall festival next month. We'll have to find out what day so we can support them." Hanging the coat on the hook, he began to kick his shoes off. "Wendy ran up to me afterwards though."

"Ew. What does she want?" 

The 'ew' wasn't malicious. As far as Craig could tell, Tweek and Wendy seemed to like each other. They talked amicably at potlucks and church events, but Tweek had never said anything really positive or really negative about her.

"She gave me this weird good luck charm." Craig held the stone up to his eye while walking into the kitchen. 

"Toss it in with the bead lizards." Tweek laughed as he dug around in the refrigerator. "Speaking of Wendy, Stan had a question. If I bake my pie in a square pan, is it still a pie?"

Craig started to point out they had always made shepherd's pie in their square 9-by-9 pan when Tweek shut the door and stood up. 

The stone fell from between Craig's fingers, only saved by the cord at his wrist. His mouth hung open.

"I think it is," Tweek said, the leathery bat wings behind him flapping once, "but maybe it's not? Is it the crust? That's the difference between a pie and a crumble, right?" Tweek furrowed pale brows over red eyes with rectangular pupils. "Craig? Are you ok?"

He walked towards him on cloven feet attached to firey red goat legs. Tweek leaned his weight against Craig, but he didn't feel as heavy as normal. Two sharp teeth stuck out of his pursed lips, but Craig's eyes went to the red horns sticking out of his skull.

Tweek pressed a clawed hand against his forehead. "You look pale. You're not sick are you? I'm supposed to take the extra pie to Stan's, but I won't let you go with me if you're sick."

Craig wet his lips, staring down, as he tried to take everything in.

"You..." Craig snickered. "You got me." He put his hands on Tweek's shoulders and pushed him back. "You and Wendy planned this."

"P...planned?" Tweek echoed. "I haven't talked to Wendy in a few weeks."

Craig scoffed and reached out to press the tip of Tweek's horns against his palm. "This costume is pretty cool though. Did Stan help you put it on? Are there cameras around to film my reaction?"

The stone charm swung from his wrist in front of Tweek's eyes. The rosy color drained from his face.

Craig ran his fingers down the horns. They felt just like a cow's. He looked over Tweek's shoulders at the wings.

"You even have a tail?" Craig chuckled at the triangle tipped tail. "Wow. How did you two make all this? Good craft store finds?"

Tweek's breathing grew rapid. He took a shaking step back, staring down at his hands before looking to the wings.

"Oh...oh no. That bitch...she...oh no..." Tweek hyperventilated and pushed Craig away. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so..." A cry escaped Tweek's throat.

"Tweek, what's the mat--"

Before Craig could finish, Tweek flapped his wings, taking himself off the floor. Craig stumbled back in surprise and Tweek flew past him.

Without thinking, he spun around, grabbed his tail as it passed by, and yanked. The sudden pull back caused Tweek to slam his wings into the door frame. With a yowl of pain, Tweek jerked his tail free and flew down the hallway.

He threw open the bathroom door then slammed it shut.

Craig looked down at the red friction burn on his hand from grabbing Tweek's tail then back up. What just happened? 

Tweek flew, really flew. It was fake. It couldn't be really. Wendy dressed Tweek up like a demon for a joke. She had to.

As he slowly went towards the bathroom door, he took out his phone. 

"What the fuck did you do to Tweek?" Craig typed to Wendy, hitting send before shoving his phone into his back pocket. He pressed his ear to the door. Faint sobbing came from the other side.

"Tweek? Honey?" He called, tapping his knuckles against the door. "The fuck's going on?"

"Please, I'm sorry, but go away!" Tweek wailed. "I didn't mean for this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." His apologies melted into more sobs.

Craig twisted the locked knob. He groaned. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Annoyed, confused, and increasingly pissed off, Craig checked the texted message.

"I didn't do anything to him. That's how he normally is. Speak softly and calmly. He's not dangerous." Wendy replied.

Craig growled lowly at her response, and Tweek squeaked from inside the bathroom.

Craig winced then took a breath. Keeping his voice as steady as he could, he said, "Tweek. Let me in. Tell me what's going on." He received more sniffling as a reply. 

"Tweek," He spoke as softly as he could, "if you don't let me in. I'll climb in through the window outside. You know I will."

Something plastic clattered to the ground and Tweek swore. Probably the hand lotion Craig's mom gave them last Christmas. Tweek complained about the oddly shaped plastic bottle falling off the sink constantly. If not for the smell of rosemary and basil, Craig knew Tweek would have tossed it under the sink with the other lotions and salves.

The sound of tiny hooves across the tile neared the door.

"Craig?" Tweek whispered. His voice shook. Craig had never heard him this scared before.

"Yeah?" Craig muttered against the wood of the door.

"I'll let you in. I trust you, but _please_, don't send me away," Tweek whimpered. "I can't go back."

Craig wasn't sure what he meant, but he agreed, sending up a quick prayer that he wasn't making a mistake not calling one of the priests.

The door clicked and opened a crack. Steeling himself, Craig pushed the door open with his breath held tight in his chest.

Tweek perched like a bird on the counter, his tail wrapped around his legs and wings curled close like protective armor. He shook and averted his eyes when Craig took him in.

"So, this isn't a joke." Craig leaned against the door, in part so Tweek couldn't escape and in part to brace himself from falling in shock.

Tweek shook his head. "No. I'm sorry."

"What is this? What's going on?" Craig gestured to Tweek wings.

Tweek flinched. "It's a long story, but the short of it? I'm a...a d-demon. An imp. Please don't exorcize me. I can't go back to Hell. They'll kill me. Please. I'm sorry."

"A demon?" Craig frowned. He didn't believe in demons, not in the way others in the church did. Demons weren't monsters with pitchforks. They weren't physical. They were attacks on the spirit that people had to give a name to to understand. 

Or so he thought.

Tweek nodded. "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing." Craig raised a hand with his palm facing Tweek. "This whole time you've been...this? And you never told me?"

"I was going to, if you ever asked to marry me," Tweek admitted, something of a half smile on his face. "So you knew why the wedding couldn't be in a church or officiated by one of your preacher friends. That's why I avoid the topic even though I don't want to. Sor--" Tweek caught himself and repeated limply, "That's why I avoid the topic." 

Unable to help himself, Craig blushed and replied, "You want to marry me?" 

Now Tweek had a full smile on his face. "For the last three of the four years we've been together, Craig. I love you." 

Craig turned his head and held the lower, burning, half of face in his hand. He pushed the thoughts of flowers and tuxedos and happy tears from his mind with a great effort. Now was not the time for all that.

Shaking himself, Craig returned his attention to Tweek. Tweek jumped with his probing stare back on him and squirmed. His tail tightened around his legs. He shook once.

"Kicked out of Hell?" Craig finally spoke. "How does that happen? Kissed too many babies? Saved too many puppies from puppy hades?"

Tweek chuckled, but remained tense. "I, um, well, it's embarrassing." Craig nodded for him to go on, so Tweek continued, "Imps, like me, we're supposed to just cause trouble. Take keys or change the time on oven clocks. Unplug razor chargers or flip calendar pages. Little things that cause stress. Since stressed people are more likely to sin, you know?"

"Oh, I know." Craig crossed his arms, letting a light amusement at the irony fill his chest. Tweek was the one who suggested Craig start each of his youth group sessions with meditation and deep breathing to calm everyone down so they would be less stressed.

"Well, I was _really_ bad at my job," Tweek admitted. "I couldn't hide keys well enough. Oven clocks confused me. I'd unplug the wrong thing. Usually I was more helpful than harmful." His face fell in shame. "The only time I got anything right was when I was tricked by another demon. I made a bucket fall on a particular person's head, covering him in white paint."

Craig coughed to cover up his laugh when Tweek glared at him. "Sorry. Keep going."

"The person who I pranked was the man dating the Antichrist," Tweek finished flatly and all of Craig's amusement vanished. 

"What?" Craig pushed himself from the door frame. "The Antichrist's boyfriend?"

Tweek signed. "Yeah. Needless to say the Antichrist was not happy. Any other time I would have been killed on the spot, but his boyfriend was...kind?" He twisted his face in thought. "Or maybe he was just as bad. Either way, he suggested I should be just banished instead. If I ever step hoof in Hell again, I'll be killed out right--and Demon afterlife is the worst! We're sent to the depth of Hell to be tortured with no memories of why, and it's awful!" His shaking rattled the cabinet door under the sink. The rosemary and basil lotion once again fell to the floor. 

"I've seen the demons there. They're scared and confused and hurt, and I don't want to go there! I, I don't--"

Craig took a few steps then crouched down. He put his hands on Tweek's cheeks and stared into his face. His eyes searched Tweek's eyes for an uncomfortably long minute. Tweek's goat-like pupils held Craig's. 

"I think your telling the truth," Craig stated finally, but didn't take his hands away.

"I am!" Tweek cried. "I promise, swear on my life, I'm telling the truth." He took a breath then set his hand on the top of Craig's. His palm was hot, nearly burning. "And I promise and swear on my life that I will never hurt you. Your soul and afterlife are in your own hands. I have no influence on what will happen when you die."

He spoke with such seriousness and confidence that Craig had to believe him. A small nagging doubt in the back of his mind reminded him that demons were the best lairs and he should be careful, but Craig pushed that doubt down.

If he shouldn't be with Tweek, God would send him a sign.

Craig opened his mouth to speak when his phone buzzed in his back pocket. They both jumped. Craig swore, taking it out to toss it in the clothes hamper, when he noticed the message was from Wendy.

After gently setting the phone on the counter, he fingered the charm. 

"How did Wendy know? Is she a demon too?" 

_That would explain a lot..._ Craig added to himself.

Tweek snorted. "No, not yet anyway." At Craig's raised eyebrow he went on, "Wendy is an angel who opted out of the whole thing."

"Excuse me?" Craig hauled himself next to Tweek on the counter. "Opted out?"

Tweek shrugged. "Self-imposed banishment. She doesn't totally agree with Heaven; she doesn't totally agree with Hell. She washed her hands of the whole thing."

"You can do that?" Craig's mouth gaped. 

Tweek snickered. He extended one wing out to pull Craig closer before wrapping an arm around his.

"You _can_, but you _shouldn't_," Tweek told him. "Those who don't pick a side of the road get run over, you know."

"What side are you on?" Craig asked as he twisted his head and shoulders to examine the wing pressed against his back. Like Tweek's palm, the wing was very warm. Why did they spend money on heating the house in winter when Tweek really was a natural heater? A vision of snuggling next to Tweek, both of them in thick knit sweaters, with the snow falling outside the window and steaming cups in their hands invaded his head. 

As much as he hated to, he dismissed it for now.

Tweek flinched at the question and looked down at his hairy legs. 

"I don't know...I," He swallowed hard, "I'm on the side that thinks if it has a flaky crust on all sides, a pie can be square." He flashed a nervous smile, cleary trying to change the topic. Craig eyed him incredulously once more before hopping off the counter. Without the heat of Tweek's wing against his back, he shuddered. 

"I'm on the side that needs to taste the dish first before I can decide." Craig offered his hand and Tweek took it with a breath of relief. 

Tweek hopped down, his hoof clicking against the tile. He set his other hand a top Craig's. With a smile he flapped his wings, leaving the ground a few inches, and pressed a kiss to Craig's cheek.

"Thank you so much, Craig." Tweek whispered, landing back down. "You're the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you more than life itself."

Craig took his free hand and cradled Tweek's cheek. He swiveled his hand to make Tweek's head tilt up before kissing him on the lips. He rested their foreheads together.

"I love you, honey."

Craig might not know what was going on, but they could figure it all out later, after some possible not a pie apple pie

**Author's Note:**

> [ My Writing Tumblr](https://uas-fics.tumblr.com)


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